Alex enters a coffee shop expecting a no-nonsense no-foam sort of experience. And instead she is served by an Earth mother hell-bent on saving her and her other customers from an angst-ridden life.

ACTORS: This play can probably be done with actors of any gender expression. We did it with 2 males and 2 females. Age, not so important.

Past Productions: Fertile Ground Festival of New Plays, Portland, OR, January 24, 2015.

At rise: A dark and cozy room with a simple sales counter. Two people, MALLORY and RENE, lounge on big floor pillows, half asleep or in a semi-conscious dream-like state. They each have a cup of coffee beside them on the floor. They are in Portland’s Fertile Grounds Cafe, which should resemble an opium den. ALEX walks in quickly and with purpose, then looks around as if she has suddenly entered through the wrong door and decides to leave. FABIAN enters from a back room to stand behind the counter. FABIAN speaks with a soothing voice.

 

FABIAN:   I may help you.

 

ALEX:   What? Oh, uh, I don’t think so.

 

FABIAN:   You have come for our coffee.

 

ALEX:   No, really. My mistake—

 

FABIAN:   This is the Fertile Grounds Cafe.

 

(Pause. ALEX considers whether she wants to stay, then decides to order. She goes to the counter, all business, and pulls out her wallet.)

 

ALEX:   16-ounce quad no-foam latte half non-fat—

 

FABIAN:   Coffee.

 

ALEX:   Espresso, yes—

 

FABIAN:   An infusion of the pure, single origin, hand picked, slow roasted, stone ground, soaked in spring water//

 

ALEX:   No, I’ll//

 

FABIAN:   And bathed in an immersion field of fetal light workers.

 

(Pause.)

ALEX:   Fetal.

 

FABIAN:   Light workers.

 

ALEX:   Bathed.

 

FABIAN:   Yes.

 

ALEX:   In…

 

ALEX and FABIAN:   an immersion field.

 

ALEX:   Gotta go.

 

FABIAN:   You need our coffee.

 

ALEX:   No. What I need is a 16-ounce quad no-foam half-non-fat latte//

 

FABIAN:   There is no need to raise your//

 

ALEX:   And instead, I have to skip the the drink altogether to go report a perverted baby slave-labor ring!

 

(MALLORY and RENE are awakened by ALEX’s heated words.)

 

 

RENE:   Fabian?

 

MALLORY:   What’s happening?

 

FABIAN:   It’s OK. Shhh.

 

RENE:   I feel like I’m rebirthing prematurely.

 

FABIAN:   Close your eyes and relax, and Mama will make it all better.

 

MALLORY:  (noticing ALEX, upset)   What’s that?

 

FABIAN:   Go toward the red room.

 

ALEX:   What are they on?

 

FABIAN:   They have had nothing but our coffee.

 

MALLORY:   It’s medicinal. Right? It’s medicinal?

 

RENE:   I can’t get back in. They’ve got me by the head with a suction.

 

MALLORY:   Don’t leave me!

 

ALEX:   Are you for real?

 

RENE:  (pointing to ALEX)  It’s her! She’s got me by the head!

 

(RENE grabs his head and starts to moan)

 

FABIAN:   You’re grabbing him by the head.

 

MALLORY:   Let go of his head!

 

RENE:   Ahhh!

 

ALEX:   I’m not touching your head!

 

(Pause. They all stop what they are doing. Then (MALLORY and RENE start crying.)

 

FABIAN:   I know you.

 

ALEX:   No, I’m sure we’ve never—

 

FABIAN:   I know who you are!

 

ALEX:   You do?

 

FABIAN:   (nodding, fearful)  You are the light bringer.

 

(MALLORY and RENE stop crying)

 

RENE and MALLORY:   What?/Huh?

 

ALEX:   I think you’re confusing me—

 

FABIAN:   You should leave. Now.

 

(ALEX takes this as a challenge, almost laughable. She has no idea what’s going on, but she holds her ground and stares FABIAN down.)

 

ALEX:   I think you need me.

 

FABIAN:   No. All you bring is pain and suffering. And these gentle souls just want peace!

 

ALEX:   There’s no such thing as peace.

 

RENE:   How about do-overs. I want to be reborn as—

 

FABIAN:   This isn’t reincarnation, Rene.

 

MALLORY:   Yeah. It’s rebirthing.

 

FABIAN:   That’s right, Mallory.

 

MALLORY:   And I want to be rebirthed as Michelle Obama.

 

ALEX:   That’s reincarnation.

 

FABIAN:   Do you mind? I can do this.  (to MALLORY)   That’s reincarnation, Mallory.

 

MALLORY:   Oh.

 

FABIAN:   And the first lady is alive. You can’t come back as someone who still has a soul.

 

MALLORY:   That sucks.

 

RENE:   Then what are we here for?

 

FABIAN:   Drink your coffee and you’ll see.

 

MALLORY:   But—

 

FABIAN:   Say good-bye to this…to her, and drink your coffee.

 

(MALLORY and RENE  pick up their cups of coffee and stare into them.)

 

RENE:   So black.

 

MALLORY:   And rich.

 

FABIAN:   Like the inside of Mama’s belly.

 

MALLORY:   Good-bye nice lady.

(MALLORY and RENE drink and begin to relax again, speaking in a sleepy manner. ALEX finds this humorous.)

 

ALEX:   Don’t tell me—

 

FABIAN:   Shhh.

 

(FABIAN pulls ALEX away from RENE and MALLORY.)

 

ALEX:  —you’re actually giving them coffee to fall asleep.

 

FABIAN:   They’re not falling asleep.

 

ALEX:   Caffeine is a stimulant.

 

FABIAN:   Coffee is— Never mind. You wouldn’t understand.

 

(Pause, as ALEX folds her arms waiting for FABIAN to explain.)

 

FABIAN:   They’re going deep.

 

ALEX:   Deep.

 

FABIAN:   (nodding)  Trying to find a safe space, like the womb.

 

ALEX:   With caffeine?

 

FABIAN:   Coffee isn’t just a molecule.

 

ALEX:  (more loudly)  It has caffeine.

 

(RENE puts the pillow over his head. MALLORY sits up.)

 

RENE:   The noise!

 

MALLORY:   Do something, Fabian.

 

FABIAN:   Hush now.

 

(FABIAN walks over the counter and pours a cup of coffee for ALEX.)

 

FABIAN (CONT’D):   Millions of mothers, all around the world. They drink of the same cup, the elixir that strengthens the heart and mind, that is black like the blood that does not see the light of day, yet warms and releases like a seized muscle in the sun.

 

(FABIAN walks over to ALEX and hands her the cup. ALEX does not take it. She actually backs away from it.)

 

FABIAN (CONT’D):   It’s just caffeine.

 

MALLORY:   Could you please just drink it?

 

FABIAN:   We are born in the warmth of darkness and must return to it.

 

ALEX:   Yeah, well, I don’t trust it, and I’m going to make sure everyone knows//

 

MALLORY:   I don’t think she’s good for me//

 

ALEX:   it’s drugged. It has drugs, doesn’t it?

 

(RENE has both pillows, one over each ear, and is writhing in agony.)

 

RENE:   Make her stop talking!

 

FABIAN:   Not unless joy is a drug.

 

ALEX:   Hah! I’m going to expose your operation and shut down—

 

(RENE stops his writhing, then horrified.)

 

RENE:   Ahhhhh! Wait. What did you say?

 

MALLORY:   I think she’s making me more whiny.

 

ALEX:   I said I’m going to shut this place—

 

                            MALLORY:                                              RENE:  

See? I’m whining. Fabian, make it stop—           Oh, no! It’s the jagged voice! Please not that!—

 

FABIAN:   Shut the fuck up!  (beat, to ALEX)  You’re to blame. What are you? An obstetrician, trying to cut us all out of the womb?

 

ALEX:   What? No!

 

MALLORY:   (more quietly, to himself)  I actually don’t like being whiny, you know.

 

FABIAN:   Then, what?

 

ALEX:   I’m…I’m the light bringer. Just like you thought!

 

RENE:   Alex Goodwin!

 

ALEX:   You know me?

 

RENE:   The voice of People’s Public Radio.

 

ALEX:   That’s right. I—

 

RENE:   The most annoying, grating voice on the air.

 

FABIAN:   Rene, the universe brought her to our doorstep—

 

RENE:   She put me here! Look at me! I’m a basket case, running from life, because I spent too much time listening to how horrid and hopeless the world is from screechy people like her!

 

ALEX:   I shed light on important issues.

 

RENE:   (imitating her)  I shed light on important issues— Gah! It drives me crazy!

 

ALEX:   It may not be fun but it’s a necessary—

 

RENE:   Evil! Well, even Lucifer was the bringer of light!

 

(Short pause.)

 

MALLORY:   You’re a downer.

 

RENE:   What? Mallory, you came with me, to escape people like her.

 

MALLORY:   I came because I needed coffee. And I wanted to do something quintessentially Portland.

 

ALEX:   I was in Cabo, living the life of a bored tourist, when my friend called asking if I would do some reporting for her, since it cost too much to fly someone down there. And I did, exposing a ring of thieves who were taking advantage of Mexican immigrants trying to get money to their families back home. And since then, my life—my sad, anxiety-ridden life—has been nothing but bringing those kinds of injustices to light.

 

(ALEX takes the coffee from FABIAN)

 

ALEX (CONT’D)   I didn’t always have this voice, you know.

 

(ALEX drinks the coffee. The others look on.)

 

FABIAN:   Well?

 

(ALEX reaches out to FABIAN for support.)

 

ALEX:   That’s…quite…something. And I…feel…

 

MALLORY:   Like Michelle Obama?

 

ALEX:   For the first time in a long time, I feel…joy.

 

RENE:   Really? Then why is your voice is still grating on me.

 

ALEX:   And now I can leave you to continue my work of bringing truth to the wretched.

 

FABIAN:   It’s the truth that’s making them wretched!

 

ALEX:   No! It’s the promise of rebirthing them into a better place. And I’m going to expose you with ecstatic joy! Good-bye, friends.

 

(ALEX goes to RENE and MALLORY, hands them their coffee and settles them into their pillows. They relax.)

 

ALEX (CONT’D)   Drink yourself into oblivion. Dream of lolcats and cuddly polar bears.

 

RENE:   Cuddly…

 

ALEX:   Enjoy the darkness…

 

MALLORY:   Darkness.

 

ALEX:   That place of blissful ignorance.

 

RENE:   Blissful.

 

MALLORY:   I’m afraid of the dark.

 

ALEX:   Shhh. When you’re ready to come out of your safe space, you give Mother a call. K?

 

(ALEX exits. Lights to BLACK.)

END OF PLAY