Mark Brown and Kevin Cook, Portland, OR 2011 ~ Click on photo to watch their performance on YouTube!
DRAG QUEEN SEX WORKER SECRETIA RUNS INTO ERNIE, A STREET CORNER PROPHET, AND TRIES TO SCORE SOME LAST-MINUTE CHANGE BEFORE HEADING HOME. WHAT CAN AN END OF DAYS PREACHER AND SASSY SEX WORKER POSSIBLY WANT FROM EACH OTHER? IT MAY NOT BE SEX OR RELIGION, BUT IN THE WEE HOURS OF THE MORNING, A CHICAGO STREET CORNER BRINGS THESE TWO TOGETHER IN AN UNEXPECTED COLLISION OF HUMAN DESIRE.
ACTORS: 2 MALES: 1 preferably White (40s/50s) and 1 Black (20s/30s)
RUN TIME: Approx 13 minutes
PREVIOUS PRODUCTIONS
- January 22, 2011: Fertile Ground Festival of New Plays, Portland, OR
- February 22-28, 2015: Fantastic.Z Theatre Company’s New Play Festival, Seattle, WA
- June 5-21, 2015: The Artistic Home’s Cut to the Chase Festival, Chicago, IL
At rise: A Chicago street corner at 5:30 a.m. ERNIE stands facing the audience wearing a sandwich board over his shoulders. It says, “THE END IS NEAR.” The rest of the board is filled with Bible quotes. SECRETIA enters and stops when she sees ERNIE. At first she stands nonchalantly looking out, ignoring ERNIE. Then she gets bored and walks over to him, stands in front of him and reads loudly.
SECRETIA: The end is near!
(She walks around him, reads the sandwich board front and back in silence. He does his best to ignore her completely.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): The end is near. Mm mm mm mm mm mm. I think you might be onto something there. Some crazy shit going on the world, you know what I’m saying? Cray. Zee. Shit. Say, you got five dollars? I just got out of jail, see? and I could use me a bath, know what I’m saying?
(She airs out her crotch. He ignores her.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): No? All right then. I just thought, you know, with the end near and all, you wouldn’t mind parting with a little. A little green, if you know what I mean.
(Still no response.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): OK. Whatever.
(Pause. She looks out.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): That’s all right. I was gonna help you out, too, you know. ‘Cause your sign, you know, it could use a good proofreader. ‘Cause, you know, you spelled Bible with two B’s.
(Long pause. ERNIE can’t stand it any longer and he looks down at the sign, thinking she’s not looking. She catches him.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): Ah! Made you look! Shit, Charley, you gave me an awful fright, the way you was all zombiefied like that. All dead and shit, you know what I’m saying? Like the end done come and gone. That’s right. Like the End Train done departed hours ago and you was stuck on the platform too busy with your sign to notice, worrying about how you spelled Bible with two Bs when that’s the way it’s supposed to be spelled to begin with.
(Beat)
Shit. Any loser knows how to spell Bible. And then someone comes along who don’t even know he spelled it right, know what I’m saying?
(Beat)
You ain’t even a loser!
(Beat)
Poor Charley! You must be hot under that thing. Ain’t you hot? I know I’m getting hot from just looking at you. Here, let me help you off with that thing.
(ERNIE suddenly jumps away from her as fast as he can loaded with a large sandwich board. SECRETIA is surprised, laughs.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): Shit, Charley! I ain’t never seen anyone move as fast as that before. And definitely not at 5:30 in the morning neither! That was impressive, know what I’m saying? All light on the feet like that. I bet you could be a ballet dancer. Or a cat. A jellicle, bellicle cat!
(She’s a cat from Cats.)
Or a faerie. Oh, no, not that kind! I mean like an actor who plays one in the movies, like Peter Pan or something. ‘Cause you’re not a fairy, are you, Charley. No, not the pure and chaste Charles of the two-Bs Bible!
(Beat)
Say, you don’t happen to have five dollars, do you? ‘Cause I don’t think I can do anything without it, know what I’m saying? Can’t do anything, can’t go nowhere. Can’t even leave this corner...?
(ERNIE reaches into his pocket, pulls out his wallet, and takes out a five. He puts it out for her to take. She walks over to take it.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): Thanks, Charley! You’re a righteous—
ERNIE: Ernie. My name is Ernie.
SECRETIA: All right. Ernie!
(She puts out her hand for the money.)
SECRETIA: Now may I have the money. Pretty please!
(She purses her lips as she says “pretty please.” ERNIE puts the bill out and snatches it back again.)
ERNIE: Say, “I’m a sinner.”
SECRETIA: You’re a sinner.
ERNIE: No, say you’re a sinner.
SECRETIA: You’re a sinner!
(ERNIE puts the money away. Pause. SECRETIA acts as though she doesn’t care.)
SECRETIA (CONT'D): This is bullshit, you know what I’m saying, Charley? ‘Cause, you know, I get paid a helluva lot more than five measly dollars to play that game. And you know I have. Lots of times. With all the pie-faced, pious-assed, fascist assholes in Chicago who think they better than me and prove the opposite just ‘cause they is with me. You know what I’m saying? So why don’t you just give me the five goddamn dollars so I can blow.
(ERNIE is somewhat stunned.)
SECRETIA: What are you looking at?
ERNIE: I...I...just...can’t imagine...who would pay to be with you.
SECRETIA: I just told you, didn’t I? You ain’t too bright, are you Charley? All kinds, you know? I mean, I worked through them all a long time ago. Rich man, poor man, beggar man, thief— thief, that’s you Charley. You give them fear and they give you their souls, know what I’m saying?
ERNIE: You don’t know anything about me.
SECRETIA: Sad part is that you types lost your soul a long time ago and now you running around collecting, gathering up souls, hoarding them all under your sandwich boards like you was Mother Courage herself. But you just chicken shit, Charley, hiding your private parts under that armor like no one’s gonna guess they there!
(She goes over to the sandwich board and knocks on it approximately where his crotch would be.)
SECRETIA: Hello, little private parts! You in there?
(ERNIE reaches for her head. She sees this and pulls away quickly.)
SECRETIA: What you doing?
ERNIE: You...
SECRETIA: What? Speak up before I cut you.
ERNIE: The leaf—a leaf. You have a leaf in your hair.
SECRETIA: What?
ERNIE: A leaf. There.
SECRETIA: You shittin’ me, Charley? ‘Cause if you is, I’m gonna get you, you know that don’t you.
(SECRETIA picks it out of her hair and looks at it.)
SECRETIA: No kiddin’. (Long pause) Can’t even remember the last time I saw a tree, know what I’m saying?
ERNIE: I can’t believe...
SECRETIA: ...you’d see a leaf?
ERNIE: A wig. Up close like that.
SECRETIA: Then it’s a red-letter day for the both of us, Charley. I got to see a leaf and you got to see a...well, you got a whole eyeful, didn’t ya Charley?
ERNIE: I guess it was different than I thought it would be. No scalp.
SECRETIA: Yeah. Nope. No scalp. That’s why they’s wigs, know what I’m saying? They kinda do that whole covering the head business.
ERNIE: Like it were some kind of armor you were hiding behind.
SECRETIA: Oh, you have to be kidding me, Charley.
(Pause. SECRETIA whips off her wig defiantly.)
SECRETIA: There you go, Charley. No armor. Now what you gonna do?
ERNIE: Nothing. But look at you. The vulnerable little boy you really are, who just needs a little comfort and understanding, from someone who has a son about your age and cares about him very much.
(SECRETIA starts to cry.)
ERNIE: There. There. Come to Ernie. Let me hold you, child.
(SECRETIA goes to him and put her head on his shoulders and sobs.)
ERNIE: Just a little boy. That’s all. Just like the little leaf that’s fallen and is waiting for someone to pick it up.
(Sobbing gets louder and louder until it turns into laughter.)
SECRETIA: Damn, Charley. That wasn’t fair! How’s I supposed to keep that up when you throwing all that psychocrapology at me? I mean, do people really fall for that shit?
ERNIE: You’re the devil.
SECRETIA: Oh, yeah. That’s right. I must be the devil ‘cause I ain’t some big-ass sucker taken in by your End of Days bullshit!
ERNIE: It’s not bullshit! (beat) God forgive me.
SECRETIA: Wha’dyaknow. Charley here got hisself some pipes!
ERNIE: You’re going to hell. I’m sorry. That’s just the way it is. When you live a life of excess.
SECRETIA: Let me ask you something. Do you have five dollars?
ERNIE: You know I do.
SECRETIA: Then why don’t you just give it to me and I’ll be on my way. Down the garden path. ‘Cause, you know, with a whole five dollars, oooweee, I’d hardly have enough time to do all that excessive living before the day’s run out.
(Again, ERNIE pulls out his wallet and the five dollar bill.)
ERNIE: I want something in return.
SECRETIA: Baby, I turn tricks. That’s my business. I ain’t got nothing else.
ERNIE: That leaf.
SECRETIA: You wanna give me five dollars for this leaf?
(ERNIE nods.)
SECRETIA: This leaf here?
(ERNIE nods again. SECRETIA laughs.)
SECRETIA: What’s the matter with you? You can’t go over there and get your own goddamn leaf?
ERNIE: You said it’s been a long time since you—
SECRETIA: I said I can’t remember the last time I saw a tree. Don’t mean I don’t know there’s trees everywhere. People live their lives, Charley, remembering things, all kinds of things. How much dough they have in the bank, how much they spent on their brand spanking new stainless steel kitchen, how many times they came to see Secretia here and she still didn’t give them no goddamn frequent flyer discount. They spend their time remembering Bible verses and how many souls they’ve saved that’ll all get ticked off on that great scorecard in the sky. And they spend their time remembering how their customers like it, and how much they can get from each one. What they forget, Charley, is the last time they saw a tree. See? There’s reasons why someone might not remember.
ERNIE: Do you want the five?
SECRETIA: I knew you was a crazy, Charley, but don’t this beat all. No. No, I don’t think so.
ERNIE: I need that leaf.
SECRETIA: Why? ‘Cause then my soul will be all yours, is that it?
ERNIE: That leaf...is unique.
(SECRETIA laughs.)
SECRETIA: Ain’t we all! Ain’t we all! Just a bunch of pathetic little snowflakes!
ERNIE: I mean, there’s only one tree I know of in Chicago...
SECRETIA: No shit.
ERNIE: My son does grounds keeping work. There. Where the tree is.
SECRETIA: Like I said: Secretia has worked through them all.
ERNIE: But there are a few grounds keepers there.
SECRETIA: What’re you gonna do, Charley? Take this leaf to each one of them and demand a confession? You gonna look for a guiltifying strand of my wig hair on him? Huh? You gonna torture each of them until they beg forgiveness? What? And you think Secretia’s gonna give you the weapon for a measly five dollars? I want 50—no, a hundred dollars for this leaf. Take it or leave it.
ERNIE: I just want to know if it was him.
SECRETIA: Then cough it up.
ERNIE: If it’s him I’ll pay you.
SECRETIA: All right. What’s he like?
ERNIE: What?
SECRETIA: What’s he look like?
ERNIE: You first.
SECRETIA: Is he tall?
(ERNIE’s not falling for it.)
OK. He’s tall.
ERNIE: What’s tall? Taller than you?
SECRETIA: You mean, with heels on?
ERNIE: Just tell me!
SECRETIA (hesitates): Yeah.
ERNIE (noticeably upset): Oh.
SECRETIA (encouraged): And...he’s...he’s white.
(ERNIE eyes SECRETIA suspiciously. SECRETIA adds quickly...)
SECRETIA: But not too white because he works outside, but still, he keeps himself covered so he don’t get the cancer or nothing.
ERNIE: Go on.
SECRETIA: And he’s got a real handsome smile, but there’s a sadness in his eyes that he can’t cover up, know what I’m saying?
ERNIE: I’ve failed him and now he’s gone forever.
SECRETIA: Yeah. Well. Can’t imagine Take Your Son To Work Day went over very well, now, did it?
ERNIE: He hasn’t spoken to me in years. And now...now there’s no way to save him. Not really.
SECRETIA: Look, Charley. I need to blow, get me a bath, know what I’m saying? So I’d like my money now.
ERNIE: What for? You’ve done nothing! You’ve sent him to hell, that’s what you’ve done!
SECRETIA: All right. If you say so.
(SECRETIA starts to exit. She stops, turns around, and walks over to ERNIE.)
SECRETIA: Here.
(She hands him the leaf.)
There’s more where that come from. See, my roommate, Jasmine, she collects these all the time on her walks around the city. We got a leaf pile right in the middle of the goddamn room! Reminds her of home. Take it, Ernie.
(He does. SECRETIA starts to exit again. ERNIE pulls all the cash out of his wallet and hands it to her.)
ERNIE: Here. It’s not a hundred, but it should help.
(SECRETIA hardly hesitates in taking it.)
ERNIE: And...thanks.
SECRETIA: Night’s almost over. My shift is up—a job well done if I do say so myself—and the sun’s getting ready to scatter the cockroaches. So I best get my ass outa here. Yessir! The end is near and Secretia’s got to get her some beauty sleep! Goodnight, Charley!
(SECRETIA exits. ERNIE puts his wallet away, stares out. Lights fade to black.)
END OF PLAY