Plays, novels & novelties

How Many Tokers Does It Take to Change a World?

(A dorm room. A bed with rumpled sheets and stacks of books dogeared and highlighted. The books are by Noam Chomsky, Walter Lippman, Howard Zinn, etc. BETTY, an early 20s White female, lies on the bed with the books, smoking a joint, staring up at the ceiling. She has dark circles under her eyes and looks a bit haggard. Her roommate, IMANI, an early 20s African-American female, is sitting with her laptop surfing the web. If minimal set and props are required, they can both be hanging out on the floor. IMANI laughs a little and stops. Then she laughs more. BETTY looks over showing a little irritation and then goes back to her ruminating. Then IMANI starts to guffaw and can’t stop laughing. BETTY is really annoyed at this point.)

BETTY

Gods, what is it that’s so funny?

IMANI

Oh, lady, you need to see this. Look.

(IMANI turns her laptop to show BETTY. BETTY watches, never cracking a smile. She goes back to her joint.)

IMANI (CONT’D)

What? Tell me that wasn’t funny.

BETTY

It wasn’t funny.

IMANI

OK.

(IMANI goes back to surfing the web. She laughs out loud again. BETTY looks over at her annoyed. IMANI stops laughing.)

BETTY

They’re cats.

IMANI

No way. Is that what they are?

BETTY

Stupid cats with stupid people.

IMANI

That spliff ain’t helping.

BETTY

What?

IMANI

Just saying.

BETTY

Don’t judge.

IMANI

Then lay it on me.

BETTY

What?

IMANI

Get it out.

BETTY

You’re not doing anything wrong.

IMANI

I’m not?

BETTY

No!

IMANI

Good.

(Short pause.)

BETTY

But, you know, that site gets all their material for free—did you know that?—and then makes bank on everyone’s addiction to cute. And all those people, jonesing for their half-second of fame, send in their cutesy pics and vids, hoping one of ‘em gets posted.

IMANI

No shit.

(BETTY nods.)

IMANI (CONT’D)

That’s heavy.

BETTY

Yeah.

IMANI

Wish I had thought of it.

BETTY

What?

IMANI

I wish I had thought of it.

BETTY

No, you don’t.

IMANI

Excuse me?

BETTY

You’d be selling your soul.

IMANI

Now who’s judging?

BETTY

I’m not judg—

IMANI

Yes, you are. You think because you read all those books, you’re the sole arbiter of right and wrong—

BETTY

No, I—

IMANI

—and why everyone is oppressed, and now you’re going to fix it all by smoking pot from the comfort of your college dorm room and yelling at me for caving in to The Man.

(Pause.)

BETTY

I didn’t yell.

IMANI

Whatever.

BETTY

The root cause of violence is economic.

IMANI

You know, I’m done talking—

BETTY

And that shooting yesterday is no different—

IMANI

I said I’m done.

(Pause.)

BETTY

I was just trying to provide perspective.

IMANI

About cats.

BETTY

Fine. Laugh at your stupid cats.

IMANI

I would, except someone I know is a buzzkill.

BETTY

    (a realization)

You’re getting high.

IMANI

High? 

BETTY

Buzzed. High. Whatever. You’re addicted.

IMANI

Are you serious?

BETTY

You’re on there, like, three times a day.

IMANI

Wow. I eat three times a day, too.

BETTY

Always laughing at that shit.

IMANI

I’m, like, totes addicted to food!

BETTY

You should be a lawyer.

IMANI

What would I do without you/

BETTY

Stop, OK?/

IMANI

/showing me the errors of my ways—

BETTY

/Just stop! OK?

(Pause.)

IMANI

You used to be more fun.

BETTY

Wow, thanks.

IMANI

Yeah, well, we used to laugh together.

BETTY

People need to be understood, Imani.

IMANI

News flash. I’m a person.

BETTY

I know that. But really, you should read these.

IMANI

Why? So I can be angry all the time like you?

BETTY

Someone got shot. Right here on this campus. And I am not angry all the time.

IMANI

If you say so.

BETTY

I say so. You know, you might try understanding people. Why they do things. These books are about you, you know.

IMANI

About me, huh?

BETTY

Not you you.

IMANI

Then who, White-Betty-who-needs-me-to-read-a-book-to-know-what-it’s-like-to-be-Black?

BETTY

Everyone apparently except sarcastic Black women who are so smart they can tell you all about the sand their head is buried in and I can’t help that I’m White!

IMANI

Yeah, well I can’t help that I like cats!

(Pause. They stare each other down, then begin laughing.)

BETTY

You win. Cat-loving bitches are definitely underrepresented in these books.

IMANI

They did a study, you know. Found that it’s an orientation, not a lifestyle.

BETTY

My dad had cats.

IMANI

Yeah?

BETTY

    (nods ‘yes’)

Like a million of them. After mom died. I swear, every time I woke up, there was another one.

IMANI

Your dad was a cat lady?

BETTY

I know, right? Can’t even look at them any more without thinking about him, in this dark house, getting stoned with a bunch of cats pissing everywhere.

IMANI

Wait, he got stoned with a bunch of cats?

BETTY

Hello? Sharing?

IMANI

I think this website could have saved him from becoming a crazy cat lady.

BETTY

He saw the website, Imani. That’s what finished him off.

IMANI

    (disbelieving, laughing)

What?

BETTY

Shot himself.

IMANI

You serious?

(BETTY nods. IMANI goes to hug BETTY.)

IMANI (CONT’D)

Oh, baby, I’m—

BETTY

No. Don’t. I don’t deserve— I don’t want any sympathy, OK?

IMANI

Yeah. OK. Can I show you something?

(BETTY nods, cautiously. IMANI turns her laptop to show BETTY.)

BETTY

No, Imani. I said I don’t—

IMANI

Wait a sec, OK? This is important.

(IMANI clicks through the website.)

IMANI (CONT’D)

This cat here with the clown nose and the big clown feet? I saw this the day I watched my brother, Adrian, get shot. July 15th, 2012. I had a pink lemonade in my hand. And this one, putting the bonnet on its own head. I was looking at this when my dad called to tell me that my mom was in the hospital with liver failure. She loved her some Captain Morgan’s. And then there’s this one with its tail…I think you get the idea.

BETTY

Yeah. They cheered you up.

IMANI

Ha. No way. Not at the time. OK, well, maybe. A little. It was more like how you realize that everything else goes on around you, even when you’re in the middle of it, you know? Plants grow, the rains come, cats do stupid things, blah blah blah...

(BETTY takes IMANI’s laptop and clicks through the same website. She turns the laptop so IMANI can see it. IMANI laughs.)

IMANI

He’s got a cat on his head!

BETTY

That’s my dad.

IMANI

It’s still funny.

BETTY

I took this and posted it. 

IMANI

Oh, no. You didn’t.

BETTY

Then I showed it to him. 

IMANI

Shit.

BETTY

I was hoping he would wake up.

IMANI

Cats suck.

END OF PLAY